In the twenty-first century, many millennials are deep in debt. They’re struggling to pay their rent and working in insecure jobs. Despite being in their twenties and thirties, they find themselves a long way from owning their own home or having enough money to ever start a family. And this generation has had some rotten luck – after the 2008 economic crisis, years of austerity have only made things worse. For so many young people today, lasting financial security is a passing daydream. 

If you’re in the same boat, it’s easy to despair. But there’s good news – help is on the way. You’ll discover the fundamental truths about your relationship to money, and the hang-ups that hold you back. And you’ll find a roadmap to getting yourself out of debt, effective budgeting, and appreciating the simpler things when the simpler things are all you have. 

If you’re struggling with your finances, it may be because the circumstances are outside of your control. 

Are you one of those people who can’t bear to check their bank balance at an ATM? Do you push warning letters from the bank under a pile of magazines, far out of sight? You’re not alone.

If your finances are a mess, take a breath. While it’s important to take ownership of your situation and take steps to get back on track, not all of it is your fault. When it comes to money, one thing that puts many people at a disadvantage is a lack of financial knowledge.

Consider the state of financial education. In UK schools, there is none – not a single class on the subject. So when, at 16- or 18-years-old, students leave for either work or university, most don’t have the faintest idea about savings, debt, or mortgages. 

Instead, financial education is a job that’s often left to parents. And that can be a lottery – lots of people aren’t born to parents who know about money. Though they might be able to teach lots of other valuable things, it’s a rare few who’ll know about, say, investing or mortgages. 

As well as being disadvantaged by a lack of financial education, lots of young people are also affected by the broader economic situation. Since the 2008 financial crisis, many people have struggled through no fault of their own. In the United Kingdom, things are especially dire. The Conservative government has watered down protections that once guaranteed job security and rising wages. And, with secure work hard to come by, it’s become more difficult to put money aside – whether toward a pension, for a home, or even to avoid going into debt.

This financial insecurity is a much bigger problem than individual failings. In January 2019, the average UK household debt stood at £15,400. It’s clearly a bigger problem than people overspending on holidays, clothes, and trendy furniture they’ve seen on Instagram!

While there are concrete things you can do to improve your financial position, it’s important to remember: it’s not all your fault.

When it comes to money problems, there’s often one big emotion at the heart of it all, and that’s shame.

Imagine a happy family: two beautiful kids, a big house in the suburbs, both parents with stimulating, fulfilling jobs. 

Except one of the parents keeps a shameful secret: through a mixture of generosity and carelessness, he’s spent far more than he can afford on credit cards and saddled himself with significant debt. For months, he’s not said a word of it to his spouse, but now that debt has begun to disturb the family’s financial security. 

It’s a situation that’s far too common. And, just as this hypothetical parent found, with shame comes silence and a desire to stick your head in the sand and try not to think about it. You let the phone ring when the bank calls, hide your bank statements, and change the subject whenever money comes up. Shame prevents you from taking action when you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Sometimes, the financial problem is bound up with other, deeper feelings of shame, too. Take the Jane’s own story. When she was 21, her father died, and she inherited £10,000. But rather than save the money for later in life, she used it to travel to Bali. Soon, it was all gone. The secret shame of frittering away her inheritance pained her for many years. 

This is where admitting your problems comes in. Whether it’s credit card debt or a lost inheritance, the best thing you can do is be accountable. Because only then can you deal with it. Owning up to your flaws doesn’t mean beating yourself up; it helps you to escape the terrible blanket of silence and inaction that shame throws over you.

In the case of Jane, if she’d opened up about spending her inheritance on a holiday, perhaps she wouldn’t have felt so dreadful. When you’re blinded by grief, it’s natural to want to escape to somewhere far away. Perhaps she would have found out that it’s what many people would’ve done in a similar situation. 

By owning up to your mistakes, you reduce the shame you feel. Because after you’ve done that, it’s no longer an awful gremlin on your back but something that you are in the process of setting straight.

If you think social media is causing money problems, take a step back to get your finances under control. 

When you’re just scraping by financially, it can be disheartening to scroll through social media and see people living perfectly curated lives. Endless snaps of infinity pools, beautiful sunsets, or horseback rides through sunlit fields can make you feel like you’re missing out. It can also make your own financial situation worse.

Take this example from Mary as a warning. While on maternity leave in 2018, she spent countless hours scrolling through Instagram and admiring the beautiful rooms she saw there, dreaming up ways to improve her own under-furnished house. Even though she was in debt, she began to spend lots of money on redecorating.

For Mary, this redecorating spree included buying stylish rugs, a fig plant, and expensive paint. Pretty soon, her Instagram account began to mirror those she’d been inspired by, but underneath the facade was lots and lots of debt. 

What, exactly, had happened? Having seen all these amazing rooms, she had been sucked into an online life of keeping up with the Joneses. On top of that, taking pictures of her newly decorated and styled rooms was contributing to a cycle of envy and spending. 

Happily, there are a number of ways to avoid this kind of behavior. The first is to do something real and get away from the images of other people’s lives. Try something that doesn’t involve the internet: like going for a walk or meeting a friend.

Second, when comparing your life with someone else’s supposedly perfect one, ask yourself if you’d actually swap places with them and give up everything you have. Would you sacrifice your family and friends? Would you give up your home and all the things you cherish, and instead inherit the other person’s? Chances are you’d think twice. 

This leads us to the final thing you can do: remember that a lot of what you see online is an illusion. Those “perfect” lives are rarely perfect. When someone posts a picture of their sunny balcony, you don’t see the argument they had that morning with their spouse. You don’t hear about their parent’s health problems. Remember, we only see what others want us to see. 

Finance can be a feminist issue.

Here’s a shocking statistic: in the United Kingdom, 64 percent of those who struggle with debt are women. 

Whether that’s because more women than men are in lower-paid jobs or that women have more unpaid commitments around family life, it highlights one thing: when it comes to money, there is a big gender disparity.

Take the gender pay gap. It’s barely shifted since 2012. And even though there’s been lots of publicity and discussion around the issue, it’s not getting any better. Why? In short, because there’s a continuing lack of transparency.

In many workplaces, pretty much the only thing that employees aren’t allowed to discuss openly is money. Specifically, how much each of them is earning. With this level of secrecy, it’s hard for women to know if they’re being paid more, or less, than their male colleagues. 

There are other forms of gender discrimination around finances, too. In the United Kingdom, so-called “pink taxes” mean women pay more than men for the same products, like razors and deodorants. And the menstrual cycle itself is punishingly expensive, costing an average of £4,800 over the course of a woman’s lifetime.

But one of the biggest strains on a woman’s finances comes after having children. In fact, in the United Kingdom, statutory maternity pay is so low that lots of women end up in poverty if they don’t have savings or a wealthy partner to fall back on. 

Then, as well as costing a lot to clothe and feed, having a child also means that women’s careers stall. When they do return to work and ask for part-time or flexible hours, they’re often denied the career opportunities they might have expected to get pre-pregnancy.

The British campaign group Pregnant Then Screwed sets out just how little progress has been made. According to their figures, every year, 54,000 women are pushed out of their jobs due to pregnancy; a third of employers say they avoid hiring women of childbearing age; and 44 percent of working moms say they now earn less than before they had children. Even now, in 2020, we have so much further to go. 

Concrete goal-setting is the best way out of financial difficulty.

If you’re in financial difficulty, the way forward can sometimes look like a swampy landscape, with no obvious route ahead. And when you’re trying to find your way out of that swamp – either by setting your finances straight or changing your behavior around money, you need clarity. 

The best way to achieve that clarity is when you can see there’s an end in sight – which is where setting goals comes in. You should form them with one very important consideration in mind: your happiness. It’s important to ask yourself: What, at the end of the day, makes you happiest?

This is crucial because you might find that what you thought you wanted doesn’t actually bring fulfillment. Let’s say that you spend lots of money on furniture, clothes, and accessories because you like keeping up with your friends. Yet, when you really get down to it, you find the joy you get from these purchases quickly wears off. And the debt you’re building up is giving you anxiety attacks. Perhaps your long-held goal of having more cash for shopping isn’t such a good idea after all. It might be something you should discard. 

Instead, reappraise and find the right goals. For Jane, this process involved writing down what she wanted to achieve and detailing exactly how each goal would make her happy. One aim was to buy her own home, a place where her children could play safely, and she could entertain friends and family. In thinking about how this would make her feel fulfilled, she noted that the stability of home-owning over renting was important to her mental well-being, that her children’s safety and contentment were crucial, and that seeing her friends and family made her happy.

Once you’ve clarified what your big goals are, you’ll be able to set lots of smaller goals to help you get where you want to go. That might be saving money by taking a packed lunch to work every day, or it might mean answering the phone to your creditors and not using your credit card for a month. 

Taking incremental steps will get you back on an even financial footing, especially if you do so alongside budgeting.

Review your finances systematically and make a clear budget so you don’t overspend. 

As we’ve just learned, if you want to reach your financial target – whether that’s getting out of a mountain of debt or saving up for a house – you need to get clear on what your goals are and take small steps to reach them. 

Of course, you still need a handle on your finances, so the next thing to do is set a budget. Happily, there are five steps that can help you construct your own saving and spending plan to budget successfully. 

The first involves taking a good look at your spending habits. Take a look back at your spending over a period of six months. You’ll probably see some patterns emerging – perhaps you spend too much on Prosecco from the corner store, or maybe you buy too many lottery tickets. It might make uncomfortable reading, but unless you can spot your patterns, you won’t make progress.

Second, look at your income and outgoings. Work out how much money you’re bringing in on a monthly basis. This is how much you have available at the start of each month. Now consider your fixed outgoings – these are the things you can’t do without, like rent, taxes, or childcare costs. If your outgoings exceed your income, then you really do have to rethink some of your fundamental commitments.

In step three, analyze your other regular outgoings. That includes the expenses that aren’t vital to your survival but enhance your quality of life – think Netflix or a magazine subscription. Go through these and cut out the ones you can do without. But if you can afford to keep some extra expenses, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all need a little pleasure, even when budgeting. 

Step four asks you to consider your variable expenses. These are things that change each month, like food, or fuel for your car. Although they’re essentials, you can often shop around for cheaper deals. 

Finally, step five is to look at what you have left. Once you’ve subtracted your essential living costs and non-negotiable outgoings, you’ll have a final sum that you can choose to save, use to pay off debt, or spend on things you love. It might take a little while to work out the right balance, and that’s totally fine. 

Budgeting isn’t all bad. There are also upsides to frugal living. 

Budgeting can be a real slog: it’s no fun living on plain noodles, having no heating on cold days, and spending nights in when all your friends are going out. Struggling with financial pressure is hard.

But, while this kind of austere life is OK – even needed sometimes – remember that life is short. You can still enjoy yourself while watching what you spend. Being frugal with your cash may even help you appreciate some things you might previously have overlooked. 

First, it’s time to flip your perspective so you see that buying new things isn’t the only way to happiness. Instead, find pleasure in hunting out used items that have real charm. If you’re looking for furniture, thrift stores are treasure troves with all sorts of items, often well-made and full of character. The same goes for clothes – you can fill a wardrobe with stylish retro outfits from the hangers of second-hand shops.

Second, experiences are better than possessions. Rather than spending what money you have on material things, why not plan a forest picnic, a day out to a museum, or a morning swim in the sea with a friend? All are much cheaper than a new designer rug or marble kitchen-top, and more satisfying, as you’ll remember them long after the event.

Third, a frugal lifestyle is more eco-friendly. Saving the world is a powerful motivator to cut down on harmful consumerism. What’s more, on an individual level, two of the most important changes you can make for the planet are limiting air travel and cutting out meat – both of which are, happily, also wallet-friendly! 

Fourth, don’t hide your money problems away. When you’re open about your frugal lifestyle, it can influence other people too. Hearing that others aren’t spending on expensive lifestyles can be a great relief, and by explaining your situation, you help soften attitudes toward those that also struggle with money.

Last, and perhaps most important of all, as you move away from materialism, you’ll find that it’s still possible to be generous. You can show someone that you care without spending a fortune on gifts. You can give them something much better than hastily chosen bath products or a set of candles – and that’s your time and attention.

Although it helps to be accountable for your financial problems, it’s important to understand that it’s not all your fault: your upbringing, gender, and the broader economic climate all play a part. When you are ready to take control of your financial situation, know that concrete goal-setting can really help. Just don’t forget to live your life. 

Action plan: Try coloring in to help you save money or pay off that debt.

To help you manage your finances better, take a sheet of squared paper and, for each time you make a saving or debt-payment, color in a box. By making your progress visual, you’ll be able to track just how far you’ve got to go before you can afford that dream holiday or clear your student debt.